white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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