I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We need a shit load of segways right now
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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