Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
