i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
