i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
