she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
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library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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