grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.