I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…