The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show