Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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