Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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