Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
