I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
