you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
