I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
