Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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