Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
