my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
worst night to have a conscience
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
