pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
