I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
