i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
