hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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