i barfeds in our rink
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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