The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
