Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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