remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I checked into jail on foursquare
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
