I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
