i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize