Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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