After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
dude. I can hear the air.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
