Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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