he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
