i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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