Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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