ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
