morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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