So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Boobs speak an international language.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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