i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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