DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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