i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
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I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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