I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
