$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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