i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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