Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
What did we do last night that was yellow?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
