i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
