If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
