Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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