do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
