we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
