wakey wakey hands off snakey
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
