I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
