Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Vodka?
Forever.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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