eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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