i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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