i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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