Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
