Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
