why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
