I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
