How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
