I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
soo... how was my night?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
