How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
