Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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