i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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